Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Awful Game, Awesome Marketing

I don't play MMOs. I don't like walking simulators. Not sure how fun it is to watch a character walk from point A to point B and then back to point A.

However, a friend of mine tries all the new ones. Even if it's just a week. He of course tried the really, really, really poorly thought-through MMO — Age of Conan. I won't go into why it's bad. If you've played it, you know. If you haven't, go find one of the 600,000 disgruntled reviews online.

Below is a copy of a mass e-mail sent to a quarter of the planet who started and no longer plays this atrocious MMO.
This message is being sent to you because you have shown an interest in Funcom products. Get your email from Funcom, add newsletters@newsletter..funcom.com to your address book. You may unsubscribe at any time. [see the extra punctuation?]

Dear customer, [notice lack of capitalization in a form letter]

Thank you for playing Age of Conan.

As part of our maintenance your account is now flagged to have your characters below level 20 deleted as part of maintenance. Please re-activate your account now to ensure that your characters progress and names stay intact.

[say what now? my 200kb of data is ravaging your server?]

As a welcome back offer we would like to give you a time-limited offer for 7 days of additional play time if you choose to re-subscribe now. Please click this link to use this special offer!

[so... first you threaten me and now you're welcoming me back?]

We hope to see you back in the game preparing your characters for the new adventures that will soon be introduced in the expansion "Age of Conan: Rise of the Godslayer". Click here to read more about the expansion.

Here are just some of the some reasons why you should return to Age of Conan now:

Veteran Points
Exclusive Subscription Rewards
Free Level 50 Character
Tons of New Conent
Enhanced Performance
Most improved
MMO of 2009

Welcome back to Hyboria, Adventurer!

[to quote Moe: "that's a funny looking strike."]

© 2010 Funcom. All rights reserved. © 2010 Conan Properties International LLC ("CPI"). CONAN, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, HYBORIA and related logos, characters, names, and distinctive likenesses thereof are trademarks or registered trademarks of CPI unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Funcom authorized user. Windows and the Windows Vista Start button are trademarks of the Microsoft group of companies, and "Games for Windows" and the Windows Vista Start button logo are used under license from Microsoft. Eidos & the Eidos logo are trademarks of Eidos Interactive Ltd. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. Software platform logo (™ and ©) IEMA 2006. The rating icon is a registered trademark of the Entertainment Software Association.
Funcom is headquartered at
Funcom GmbH, Lavaterstrasse 45, 8002 Z├╝rich, SWITZERLAND
You may unsubscribe from this publication at any time.
Ah. Yes. It all makes sense. Switzerland. That poor, third-world nation devoid of grammar and common sense. I understand the letter perfectly. We should be grateful they were able to even program this game on their country's single Apple 2E. They had to import an Amiga from Luxembourg to finish the job, I hear.

Sigh.

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